What originally sparked me to put this article together was an awesome question from one of my 1-on-1 coaching clients…she had noticed that she was finding herself to be a bit all or nothing when it came to integrating her healthful lifestyle OR going out with friends.

Meaning, she’d either stay home solo and eat super healthfully or she’d go out with friends and really overdo the food and booze.

First of all, this is a super common issue that pops up when folks start to implement a healthier lifestyle, I’ve seen it over and over again in my clients and what it really comes down to is balancing your NEEDS and WANTS.

When my client stayed home solo and ate healthfully she was stoked on her fat loss results and the way she felt physically, but she found herself to be a bit lonely because she wasn’t filling her social bucket. Then when she went out with friends she was coming up short as far as her physical needs went because she was eating and drinking more than she had planned to, however her social needs were being met.

You might be thinking well why doesn’t she just go out and not go overboard with the booze and food and I totally agree, but this takes some awareness and practice for a few reasons…

When you’re used to eating and drinking without any restraint in a given environment, going in and shifting that can be difficult, doable but tough. You might find this especially difficult with certain people because we all have different types of friends.

For example, you may have a certain friend or friends that you go to when you need to have a heart to heart chat and you may have a different friend or group that you go to for no bullshit advice. Another friend might be your hiking buddy while a different friend or group of friends might be more so party friends. Going out with your party friends and not partying is hard, just like expecting to party with your hiking buddy might not be the right fit.

Of course it’s not like you can only do one activity with every friend, but for the sake of this example I think you get the picture. If you ask your party friend to go for a hike on Saturday at 7 am they’re probably going to give you a strange look and say, ‘Why don’t we do beers Saturday night instead?’

Secondly, a lot of folks find that they experience peer pressure from their friends and family when they decide not to eat and/or drink in the same way that they have in the past, so it’s sort of a double whammy here as far as shifting these habits. People have an expectation of you based on how you’ve been showing up, so for example if you’re someone who’s never had a drink in your life and you’re 40, your friends just know that you’re not going to drink because that’s what they’ve come to expect.

On the other hand if you’re known as more of a boozer, they’ve come to expect that you’re going to drink in just about any scenario, so showing up and not drinking as the ‘boozer’ is equally as strange as showing up and drinking as the person who has never had a drop in their lives.

These are two extremes of the spectrum, but our behaviour shapes what people expect of us so the awesome thing is that we can change that expectation that other folks have, it may take some time but it’s totally doable!

Now it’s worth noting, don’t take the fact that your friends or family may make a few snarky comments about you changing things up personally…first of all, if they can step outside of themselves and be a friend or a family member first, they’re going to want what’s truly best for you. However, to be honest this is probably more rare than we’d hope because folks are mixed up in their own lives, focusing on themselves and their experience…everyone is just doing the best they can.

Also another reason why it’s not personal to you necessarily even though it can feel that way, is that when you show up and change the game in a sense, meaning you’re having a beer or 2 instead of 6-8 and you’re being more mindful of how you’re eating, it can make the people around you second guess themselves.

Typically folks don’t like this all that much…this is exactly why most people want to hang out with like-minded people, that have similar ideas, thoughts, beliefs etc.

So for example if you show up and you’re like, ‘Ah I’m just going to have a drink or two tonight, nothing crazy’ but your friends are used to you having 6, 8, 10 drinks…they might begin to ask themselves questions in their own heads like, ‘Shit well if she’s cutting down on her booze intake should I be to?’ or ‘I didn’t think she had a problem, does that mean I have a problem?’ and the list goes on…essentially the wheels start turning in their heads.

The main point here is not to take this stuff personally because folks want you to act in a certain way because it makes them feel comfortable, not because they inherently want to sabotage your life in most cases…I mean who’s got time for that!?

Now let’s come back to you personally and the decisions that you’re making around food and booze while meeting your social needs…again this takes practice, so when you’re making a lifestyle shift don’t expect yourself to get it perfect the first go around, it could take weeks to months.

These are just a few of the reasons why behaviour change is so difficult, our lives are set up in a way that heavily favours our current behaviours. Your life right now at this moment is perfectly constructed for where you’re at physically, mentally and emotionally at this exact point in time, so changing that takes some conscious thought and effort.

It’ll take time for your friends and family to get used to your new way of being which is completely normal, you can’t expect them to change in an instant and you can think about it like this…

Let’s say you have a friend that is a ‘take the shirt off their own back’ type of person and is always there for you at the drop of a hat, even to their own detriment in some cases. Then one day they flip a switch, they’re like, ‘I need to put myself first and take care of my own shit,’ so the first maybe 5 – 10 times you ask them for something you’re expecting them to say yes without a doubt because they always have in the past, but this time they say no.

You’re likely going to be upset because you’re used to this person showing up in a certain way…but over time, you get used to it, you realize that this is what’s best for this individual and you adjust. Your expectations change and the relationship between you two shifts, it could actually end but if you’re committed to being friends than you tweak the dials and make it work!

So be aware not to make the mistake of expecting your friends and family to change overnight, that’s not the way this stuff works, it takes time, but showing up consistently in the same way will expedite the process so stick with it.

So, how do we balance all of our needs on the physical, mental, emotional and social fronts…this is going to be different for everyone because while we all have the same basic requirements as humans, we’re vastly different in as far as how they’re distributed. For example socially, some folks recharge in a group, they actually GAIN energy from hanging out with people, whereas other individuals find it somewhat draining to hang out in a social setting and they recharge in a solo environment…and then there is everything in between.

It's just like nutrition, there is no one universal diet that works for all 7.7 billion people on the planet…sure we all need protein, carbohydrates and fats to run physiological processes, but the distribution, the amounts and the types are going to vary based on the individuals goals, preferences, schedule, lifestyle, etc.

Clearly there’s no cookie cutter approach to balancing an individual’s needs on a daily basis and even if there was, they’d change day to day based on various experiences.

So basically you’re going to have to consistently check-in and ask yourself, what do I need right now? Do I need some social interaction or a quiet night in, would hitting a coffee shop fill that gap or do I feel like I need to have a few social drinks in a bar setting. There really are endless scenarios, but it comes down to checking in with yourself and establishing what’s best for you at any given moment while still keeping your health and fitness goals in mind.

As you can see this is actually fairly complex, there are so many moving parts because when you insert your job, maybe kids, a spouse or partner, family obligations etc. we’ve all got a lot on our plates. This is a continuous balancing act that everyone goes through so you’re not alone I guarantee it…every single human walks this tight rope every day of their lives.

I’ll use myself as an example…

I work from my computer so I travel a fair bit and I’ve been on the road for a little over 3 months now solo, so I’m constantly checking in and determining what I need from a physical, mental, emotional and especially social standpoint because I don’t have a bunch of friends to ring up everywhere I go.

Typically I wake up, make coffee and get to work right away at my place, but if I wake up one day and I’m like shit I feel like I need a little more social interaction today, I might go work from a café instead of home. Honestly sometimes it’s not even that I need to chat with people specifically, but I just want people around…it’s more of a vibe sort of thing which I’m sure you’ve experienced yourself.

I also fill my social bucket with the gym because I meet all sorts of like-minded folks there no matter what city I’m in. Now you may work in an office so there’s a solid chance you fill a fair bit of your social bucket from interacting with co-workers on a daily basis so it depends on what your day to day schedule is like.

Now like anybody there are days and nights where I stay in and do nothing and there are days and nights where I go out and socialize, it totally varies based on what I feel like I need at that moment.

What I find to be really helpful for myself is to set my baseline non-negotiables. For me eating healthfully and cooking most of my meals is essential, I just don’t feel the same when I’m eating out too much so this is a non-negotiable. Essentially I just make this happen because I REALLY feel the difference when I start to slip.

I’m also sure to move enough and sleep properly, both of these are non-negotiables because every other area of my life suffers when these things aren’t buttoned up…and no I’m not perfect with this stuff, but I’m pretty darn good the vast majority of the time.

Consistency beats intensity!!

Something I’ve noticed is that my social needs tend to be a little more fluid for some reason, meaning they change a lot more day to day and I find they’re less predictable than say nutrition, movement and sleep.

Now being that I want to make most of my meals, move and sleep well, typically when I go out to eat I pair that up with being social because it’s a 2 birds 1 stone situation. For example, if your goal is fat loss and you’re struggling with the social aspect of things because you don’t want to go out and eat and/or drink too often, don’t eat treats or drink booze by yourself. That’s a lose lose situation because why not fill both needs at once, meaning when you’re going to eat out make it a social thing with friends or family vs. by yourself.

Basically, you want to make your meals at home count towards your fat loss goal, so instead of ordering in pizza and eating it solo when you need to fill your social bucket as well, go out for pizza with friends, meet that social need and then make a healthful meal at home when you’re on your own.

This of course doesn’t mean that every time you go out to eat it needs to be a super high calorie treat-like meal, but restaurant meals on average are a lot more calorically dense than meals made at home are.

I hope that makes sense…when I explain this to my clients I use the term ‘picking your spots’ because eating healthfully can be more difficult at a restaurant, especially in a social situation so it’s better to quote on quote ‘save those meals’ for when you’re out and about with friends vs. ordering pizza to your house.

Also there are TONS of ways to meet your health and your social goals simultaneously…

You can go for a walk or a hike, workout with a friend or do a group class. Go for coffee instead of a beer, try something new like a language exchange or join a recreational sports team…there are so many creative ways to meet your needs that don’t necessarily have to sabotage your fat loss goals, they can actually contribute to them!

So to sum things up, I fully acknowledge that this is not easy, especially at the beginning when you’re experimenting and trying things out, but you will get better if you stay consistent. 

This is a process I’ve been through myself so I’m speaking from experience J

You can’t expect to get it perfect right off the bat, it’s a continuous balance and in order to maintain that balance you need to check-in with yourself constantly and just ask, ‘What am I needing right now and how can I provide myself with it?’

This is one of the reasons why becoming a parent is so difficult at first. All of a sudden you’ve got this little ball of needs that all come before your own and it takes time to figure out a balance as far as taking care of your child as well as yourself, so be patient, work at it and you’ll only get better and better.