We’re going to chat about something that I would have loved to have known when I first started my fat loss and health journey because if you had asked me back then if I identified as a ‘perfectionist,’ I absolutely would have said yes, however I see perfectionism in a much different light now…
So first off, let’s get clear on our terms…what is a perfectionist? The dictionary definition is, ‘a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection’…sounds pretty self-explanatory, however the more and more that I’ve thought about this concept over the years, the more and more I’ve realized that I had been completely misunderstanding it!
There are 2 primary ways in which I see the perfectionist type playing out and one we can label the paralysis type and second one would be the tire slasher, so let’s cover paralysis first…
When I was 60 – 65 lbs heavier than I am right now I was looking for the perfect diet to follow that would get me to my ultimate goal and it had to be quote unquote ‘optimal’ because anything short of a perfect approach just wouldn’t suffice and so…
I would do a ton research and eventually just get so overwhelmed with all of the details that I would essentially go into ‘analysis paralysis mode’ and not change much of anything at all. I would always tell myself that I would start tomorrow or next week or next month because I had to gather ALL of the information before I could move forward.
Looking at it now I can see that this was quite literally the opposite of perfection because what I was doing was not working and I knew that, but at the same time I would let myself get so bogged down in the minutia that I wouldn’t take any action at all…and so what this taught me was that I was deceiving myself…
When I said that I wasn’t taking action because I’m a ‘perfectionist’ and I needed to discover the optimal approach first and foremost, the truth was that I wasn’t taking action because I was a procrastinator…the kicker is that telling myself that I was a perfectionist was a lot more palatable than saying I was procrastinating and this makes sense right because…
Continuing to do what I was doing was going to result in the same outcome, of course, however I would essentially ‘busy’ myself with research and thoughts of taking action, but then never actually do it…and the obvious question becomes, how is that even close to perfect?
If I truly had a ‘perfectionist’ tendency at that time, just like the definition says I would refuse to accept any standard short of perfection and doing nothing is as far from perfect as I could possibly get…in fact, doing anything would have been closer to the quote unquote ‘perfectionist’ end of the spectrum, for example…
How did I expect to find out what a ‘perfect’ approach was for me without actually implementing something and giving it a go!?
That would be like trying to figure out the perfect type of woman that I wanted to date without actually going on any dates! I’d have to date in order to discover in real time what I liked, what I didn’t like, what my non-negotiables were etc. and that is a part of the process in terms of progressing towards ‘perfection’ and so the truth is that…
A real perfectionist is consumed by action until the end result is something that they feel satisfied with…however, the modern day definition has somehow warped into a fancy way of saying procrastinator or someone who puts things off because…
A procrastinator tells themselves that they need perfect conditions just to start, but those perfect conditions somehow never present themselves and so they just spin their wheels and remain stagnant…I’m speaking from personal experience, I did this for way too long!!
I also remember always feeling slightly anxious or unsettled because I actually felt pulled to take action intuitively, but refused to and therefore I felt like I had a dark cloud looming over my head which was that ‘thing’ that I claimed to want, but wasn’t doing anything to get any closer to and here’s the most interesting part about this…
Action ends suffering meaning, as soon as I would take action in some way, shape or form I would experience a massive sense of relief because that dark cloud would lift and it would lift because I was actually doing something…even if it turned out to be the ‘wrong fit’ for me personally, I always ended up learning something and at the very least I could then check that approach off the list and know that I had one less thing to try…that is progress, meaning that got me closer to ‘perfection’ than I was before.
A lot of my clients have experienced this in the sense that when they make the decision to work with me, they feel a huge weight lift off of their shoulders simply because they know that they’re actually doing something about an area of their life that they’re unsatisfied with.
The second type is the tire slasher…eventually I did decide to take action and implement what I thought to be the perfect approach at that time and then I would ultimately always deviate in some way, which totally makes sense because no one is perfect and as a result of this deviation I would then just say ‘f*ck it’ and go completely off the rails, for example…
I would tell myself that I was going to eat absolutely perfectly 7 days a week with zero indulgences, no treats, no booze and the list goes on…and I typically wasn’t able to adhere to that pie in the sky ideal for very long because who can!? So…
I would have a beer or two or some type of dessert and because I strayed from baseline even the tiniest little bit, I would say f*ck it and turn the rest of the day or week into an all-out ‘see food diet’ i.e. anything I saw, I would eat…which resulted in erasing any and all progress that I had made previously!
The reason why I call this sub-type the tire slasher is because it’s like getting a flat tire and then saying, well I’ve already got one flat and so I might as well slash the other 3 tires too…now that sounds ridiculous, but we do this…I did this all the time and the truth is that once you have a deviation (one flat tire) it’s spilled milk at that point, meaning we can’t go back in time and so a true ‘perfectionist’ would acknowledge that and make the most of their situation moving forward from there…
They wouldn’t turn 1 or 2 cookies into 14 because clearly 14 is a lot less ‘perfect’ than 1 or 2. Having said that, a super important thing or concept to touch on is the difference between a moderator and an abstainer because perfectionist types are much more often abstainers than they are moderators, for example…
A moderator has no trouble having a cookie or two and stopping, whereas if the abstainer type has a cookie it often opens up the flood gates and so one cookie turns into a dozen. Now the kicker is that abstainers actually find it significantly easier from a psychological standpoint to have no cookies than they do 1 or 2 and I want to be super clear something…
Moderating is not better than abstaining, it’s just different and so it’s crucial to know thyself and set yourself up for success via acknowledging your real tendency. Now this can also vary between different things, for example…
Some folks have no trouble moderating around alcohol, yet find it super difficult to moderate with food…other folks find it easy to moderate with food and really tough with alcohol. Some folks can moderate both and others find more success with an abstainer-like approach to both…everyone is different!
It can also be food specific, so for example someone may be able to moderate with chips let’s say, but with chocolate they find that it’s all or nothing because they just like it so much!
Also, your tendencies can shift over time…I used to be all or nothing or an abstainer type in regards to alcohol, so I saw no point in having 1 drink because I knew that if I did it would almost certainly turn into 10 because once I flipped that switch mentally, it was ON but…yesterday I had one beer and straight up just didn’t even want another.
Point being, your tendency may change or it may not, but you are where are now and in order to progress, it’s crucial to be honest with yourself about that.
Okay so now I want to provide some practical implementation stuff…
If you find yourself in the paralysis stage, understand that labeling yourself a ‘perfectionist’ is just a watered down way of saying procrastinator and so what I would recommend is implementing something…no matter how big or small that will ultimately get you closer to what you want because even a small action is more ‘perfect’ than no action…for the paralysis stage, action is the key.
On the other hand, if you find yourself in the tire slasher mindset, what you can do is stay aware of 2 primary things…the first one is the sunk cost fallacy, which is just another way of saying continuing to assess your current conditions in real time or even more simply put, being present, for example…
If you have a flat tire, will 2 flats put you in a better position? Of course not and so if you have 1 cookie, will 2 put you in a better position? No…if you had 2 cookies, will 3 put you in a better position? And so on…
The second thing is that if you are an abstainer, meaning you find it easier to have no cookies than you do 1 or 2 (or insert whatever treat you want to here) you will almost certainly have a lot more success via far less frequent indulgences, but in larger amounts, for example…
If I know that for me 1 cookie ultimately results in 10…I can indulge in cookies say once per week or once every couple of weeks absolutely guilt-free and still reach my goals with all other things being equal…and I really want to hammer home that moderating is not better than abstaining despite society putting moderation on a pedestal, for example…
What’s better…having 1 cookie per day for a week or having no cookies for 6 days and then 7 of them all at once? It’s literally the exact same weekly outcome…where abstainers really run into trouble is when they constantly hear that they need to be able to moderate and so they try and they’re like, ‘okay, I’m going to have 1 cookie today and only 1 cookie’ and then…
1 cookie ultimately turns into 8, shocker…they beat themselves up, make themselves wrong, think that they’re somehow flawed, try to have 1 or 2 cookies again 4 days later, crush another 10 cookies and on goes the cycle…point being, not everyone is a moderator and that’s perfectly okay…you’re not broken, you’re human.
Humans are opportunistic eaters that evolved in food scarce environment meaning, if you can moderate with hyper-palatable ultra-processed foods you are the exception, not the rule…and that couldn’t be more clear being that it’s reflected in our current obesity rates that continue to skyrocket.
Okay, let’s sum things up and create some super clear takeaways…
For paralysis…take action now because nothing happens without it and if you make some mistakes, that’s exactly what the doctor ordered, that’s how we learn…action ends suffering.
For the tire slasher…be honest with yourself about your tendency in terms of moderating or abstaining in general and/or around certain foods.
Lastly, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good because folks that make good food choices consistently, get results. I’ve never eaten quote unquote perfectly and neither have any of my clients.
